What to do with Bad Feelings

I learned long ago that the bad feelings don’t go anywhere, especially if you try to pretend they’re not there. You can’t compress them into nothing, even with years of weight.

No, the only option, really, in order to get them out, is to let them live inside of you, to welcome what they have to offer.

It’s almost like a possession, because those bad things don’t feel like you at all and when you allow them space, it seems as though they’re going to take over.

But they are a part of you. Already. And they get more evil when they’re ignored. They’ll come out like tentacles when you don’t want them to and they’ll slash through what you love, or what you’re trying to love.

Believe me, I know. I earned this smile.

I feel like I cracked the code with this one. When I start turning black, I immediately tend to the darkness. This usually involves telling someone it’s happening (though I REALLY don’t want to do this, and it usually comes out inelegant, to say the least). This person is my lookout, in case I can’t find my way back up.

After the initial leap down into the hole, it’s a very passive act. This is what makes it difficult: to be willing to fight lying down, to let the possession happen and watch the demons swirl.

And you know what’s more difficult? Knowing when it’s over.

It’s both hard and obvious, like knowing when you’ve finished drawing a picture or when you’ve come awake in the morning.

From down below, I can see the bad things cower and, at some point, they’re whispering, which makes it easier to understand what the visit was all about, and what I have left to do.

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