Poodles & Passersby

A poodle hopping in the grass

To me, from a car window:

Hey, is that a poodle?

I had just got back from the lake. It was 6pm, dark, I had on my mask and my headphones, listening to a podcast of my favorite French marriage counselor.

Like most people on walks during a pandemic, I was deep into my internal world. And I had my dog.

It took me a minute to disconnect from the inside and plug into the outside.

Yeah. I replied.

He was hunched over the steering wheel doing that thing where you crouch down to see out the passenger side window.

We just got one, four days ago. Brand new pup.

Right on.

The cars were stacking up, no honks yet. He kept on.

I see you two around the lake a bunch.

It wasn’t creepy. It felt good to be spotted.

Poodles are awesome dogs, I added, lifting the leash and looking down at Ziggy who was sitting there patiently, as if on cue.

This little guy was the head of his class in doggie school. Smart, kind, gentle…

I found myself trying to give this guy everything I could before our little moment had to end. All my dog knowledge. All the love.

You got some good days ahead. Trust me on that.

He glanced in his rearview.

Thanks. I’ll see you around, I guess.

Yeah. Congratulations. Enjoy!

He sped off. I plugged back in, got a text from Molly about picking up a pizza. I finished my walk and my podcast and got the pizza. When I got home, I told Molly all about the guy and his poodle.

I hope he did the same.

Searching For Something

Person in blue denim jeans sitting on boat

It’s counterintuitive.

The more intensely you search, the more you underscore that achy feeling that something is missing.

It’s like when you misplace your keys…

It can ruin your morning.

You would have been much better off not knowing they were gone.

Or at least not dedicating all of your time and energy to finding them.

It’s okay to yearn, but never let the yearning outweigh your gratitude for the things you already have.

Or else…

You’ll be out of balance.

And you’ll miss your morning.

It Ain’t The Constraints

green grass field

Our instinct is to resent constraints.

All of us struggle with telling our life’s story on a single page. And all of us wish we had more hours in the day…

Under such constraints, we often give up and then blame these limitations for our failure.

But if you can put all that aside and go back to the task, you’ll come upon the rim of creativity.

It’s like discovering a clearing in the woods. If you’re honest about the circumference, there’s usually enough room to do a cartwheel. Or a pirouette.

Constraints always appear as the enemy at first, an evil plot against us, but the edges — the hard fast lines that won’t move — they force a new routine. They squeeze something beautiful out of us.

Innovation is in utero.

Give yourself a twirl.

The Big Idea

Starry sky

It was our mom’s idea:

to lug the sofa-bed mattress out of the living room, through the kitchen, and out onto the back porch.

The porch was small (before the renovation), so the edges of the mattress curled up against the railing and house, rolling me and my brother to the center like the filling of a burrito.

It was the end of Winter and the beginning of Spring on the East Coast, still cold enough to instigate a protest from 2 little boys.

Mom!

But she dropped the electric blanket down on us, heavy like the lead vest at the dentist. We immediately cooed, rubbing our legs and feet up and down the mattress and burrowing into our pillows.

Everything felt new, like it was the first time it ever happened. Al (who would soon become Alex with the obnoxious cameo of puberty), didn’t even give me a noogie or a rope burn. Not a single pinch.

Mom sat on the mattress and told tales of Norwegian folklore as the sky turned black, blacker than any room we’d ever been in.

Mom!

The world going away scared us, but by the end of her second fairy tale, the electric blanket was doing its thing.

We lay on our backs, growing less afraid of the dark and instead focusing on drawing imaginary lines across the 3 constellations we knew – the ones every kid knows by the end of first grade — The Big and Little Dippers (were they brothers too?) and Orion’s belt.

We listened to the crickets and the frogs and then the not-so-obvious things: the wind through the prickers, and, perhaps more holy than that, the neighbors talking underneath the static of running water and clanging silverware. The sounds became ours, the entire universe open and watching, excited to have a couple of rookies peering in.

We alternated between putting our forearms above the covers and below, enjoying the rhythm of the cool air and the warm blanket, seeing who could keep their’s out the longest.

It was somewhere within this frequency of hot and cold that we fell asleep – arms either above or below (I’m not sure which), each of us facing inward, our legs tangled and locked, like roots — Al’s big idea, to thwart any attempt at extraction by mom or dad.

I really really didn’t want to fall asleep. (We vowed we never would!) But the universe requires a heap of energy to create such a perfect moment.

We gave it our best.

I’m not sure who fell asleep first.

I can only hope my last thoughts were about something great, something important, and not filled with the miniature wishes of a boy about to dream.

If nothing else, our curled, prone bodies mimicked the constellations we hadn’t learned about yet. Our contribution, both great and small.

And the stars, pleased with their work, winked goodnight one by one.

===

Wishing you warmth and renewal in the new year!

The Gender Unicorn

I struggle with the new language of gender.

How can one person be a “They.” It don’t square.

I’m an English major. Grammar is God.

But as I make my glued-together argument to preserve the language of my grandfather…

Half the world’s population is gently, severely, and violently repressed. Thick, clumsy hands concoct a Black Death in the kitchen.

Throats choke. Lives suffocate.

Relationships are not thriving. Divorce is just one more phase of love. Marriages wilt. Men hide in basements and garages and behind woodpiles. And women hide in plain sight.

Men have a raping problem. And a warring problem. (Boys will be boys.)

And we kill each other too. Boys gun people down in the streets and in the schools. Over silly things like shoes and revenge and not acknowledging their feelings.

Our teens, they’re even dying by their own hands, obsessed with hating their bodies in private. So many beautiful souls suffering from a virus with the stench of a locker room, but they still smile selfies over dinner.

We’re not doing very well.

The viruses that consume us are doing better than we are. They’ve figured out how to mutate, to side-step annihilation by changing completely.

Maybe we need to mutate.

My daughter introduced me to The Gender Unicorn the other night, an exercise in identity development she did back in middle school.

It offers 4 continuums for gender identity instead of the usual 2 checkboxes.

I had to smile as I quantified my femininity. It felt good to be a man and be invited to be other things as well.

We had a good conversation. She was in her element.

When I look at her generation, I see girls cutting their hair, I see boys holding out on saying what they are and who they like. No one clings to anything. There is no full stop in their words and understanding; they never use capital letters or periods. Everything just runs together.

Maybe it’s our rules — both beloved and arbitrary, like fences — that are killing us.

Rules to protect are rules that restrict.

Stereotypes

Faceless woman with cardboard box on head against pond

Stereotypes put people in boxes.

When you act on a stereotype, you’re making assumptions based on your ideas about the group you think they belong to. By limiting who they can be before you actually meet them, you’re limiting what you both can gain.

That’s right, you’re in a box too.

The unfortunate thing is that you may not feel like you’re in a box, because there are other people in that same box with you. These are all the people who believe what you believe.

And that can be thousands of people. Hundreds of thousands of people, laughing together, raising kids, having breakfast, assuring each other that they’re not in a box.

But, trust me, you’re in a fucking box.

How do I know?

Cuz I’m not in that box. (I have my own box I’m trying to get out of.)

It’s always easier to see the box from the outside.

That’s the challenge (and the way out): trusting the people on the outside over the ones you’re standing next to.

Telling It Like It Is

Truth suffers a daily death in modern day America.  Random card found on a parking lot along Interstate 294, outside Chicago.

Be careful when you hear someone say “I’m just telling it like it is.”

This is a shrouded sentence, a hedge to hind behind.

They’re incorrectly inferring there is a singular truth and that they are the brave one who is willing to utter that truth, even if it’s hard to hear.

But, as we’re learning all too well in this decade, when we’re in conversation with friends, or acquaintances or strangers, there is rarely just one truth. There seem to be multiple truths, whether uttered or not.

(We used to call them opinions.)

So, the next time you hear someone say “I just tell it like is” realize what they’re actually saying is this:

“I share my opinions freely, without worry of their impact.”

I don’t see this as brave. It sounds pretty easy actually, like tossing trash on the side of the road or like spitting on the sidewalk.

Congrats on having phlegm.

It’s not courageous if you don’t care about the consequences. It’s courageous if you do.

Bravery is following the line from your words to the lives of others and then accepting what you see there.

That’s the real truth.

The only truth that matters.

There & Back

Brown leaf

After a broken heart, it seems like everything and everyone reminds you of that person. That’s because you’ve been there and back with love, you’ve experienced all of its tantalizing phases – the flutter in your stomach when you met, the tickle in your heart when you touched, the first freefall, the fire between you, the soft slow moments no one knows about, and then the other side: the difficulties, the differences, the slap in the face, the rockslide into the valley, another freefall, this one less like jumping out of a plane and more like getting swallowed by the earth.

These things are happening all around you all of the time in every corner of the world: strangers unknowingly and daringly playing out the parts of your life.

And that’s your reward.

When your heart breaks, it’s because the love inside has grown too big.

There’s a deep knowledge in your pain, a knowledge that can only be seen from the leeward side of the mountain, that can only be found in the aftermath of catastrophe — a living mosaic of curled, crinkled leaves coming into focus at your feet and talking to you in a chorus of whispers.

You needn’t look for it. It will form around you. It will follow you.

You’ve earned that much.

The Boogie Man in the Hallway

Green tiled hallway

Not accomplishing enough in your day?

Upon examination, you will likely see sabotage in your list-making.

As you check off your to-do’s throughout the day, if you’re like the rest of us, you’re probably adding more things to the bottom of that same list. Cross off and replace, cross off and replace… the dance we do.

No one else will see you doing this and you may not physically write down your new to-do’s, but those items seem to find a way of creeping in. They’re most certainly there. And they’re there because you put them there, presumably so you can get ahead, get a jump on tomorrow, get even more done.

Am I right?

It’s okay, I do it too, particularly when I’ve completed a to-do item ahead of schedule.

Woohoo! I’m rockin’ and rollin’! What more can I do?!

Productivity is invigorating, but if we keep responding to the call, our list never shrinks. It’s like a hallway in a bad dream, stretching out as you run down it, the boogie man nearing you from behind, waiting for you to run out of breath.

You can beat it though.

At that crucial moment of crossing off an item, when your mind tries to trick you into doing one more thing with the promise of free time in the future, take the free time now.

Celebrate the cross-off. Let the openness stay open. If only for a few seconds.

Enjoy watching the hallway shrink and the glowing white door in front of you come closer. And, above all, remember the thing we tell our kids over and over again, but seem to forget ourselves:

There’s no such thing as the boogie man.

Pink Ice Cream

Strawberry flavor ice cream in a glass

My daughter doesn’t have to think very long when she goes into an ice cream shop.

“Pink” she shouts out, pointing to whatever is pink.

Doesn’t matter if it’s strawberry or raspberry or cotton candy. She digs in and eats it, gleefully.

Meanwhile, my adult mind has to know every flavor, my pallet has to sample the new ones, my legs have to walk me down past all the little rectangle signs before I make my decision.

This can be a burden: picking an ice cream flavor, like choosing a font or picking a salad dressing. I take my time.

I’m thorough. Or, if you’re the guy standing behind me, slow.

I think it’s healthy to embrace every single decision you come across, to love opportunities like cats that come up and brush past your leg. That’s why I pause every time I’m asked a question. I’ve got to pet the cat. Sorry, Guy-Behind-Me.

That said, all decisions are not created equal. Some decisions feel heavy, pregnant with other decisions. They can slow you down, paralyze you with their bloat in your lap. All of a sudden you’re not doing anything. You’re going hungry, while your options melt away.

When this happens, it’s often a better idea to take the route of a 5-year-old (instead of the advice of a career counselor).

Toss out your decision-making matrix. Choose the pink ice cream. And start eating.