Getting Into the Well

I’m terrible at leaving parties.

I can’t end a conversation in the middle. And the more I learn the deeper I want to go. That’s why saying goodbye really ends up being hello again; you can reel me in with a quick aside.

I don’t try to get as much as I can from people. I hold as much as they’re willing to give.

That threshold changes as the conversation unfolds, like the bottom of a well dropping down a few levels at a time, and before you know it, we’re both standing deep below the surface, closer to the core.

If you see me wandering around at a party, this is what I’m looking for. When I pick up the phone for a counseling session, this is where I’m going.

There’s no real trick to getting there, other than being interested, ego-less, and unafraid.

It all starts with Hello.

Class Individual

One of the honors of which I am most proud is my high school yearbook award as Class Individual.

I was weird.

I used to wear purple suits, giant hoop earrings (in both ears, not just the left one), plaid MC Hammer crotch pants, used-car-salesman jackets, mismatched shoes, African power medallions, headbands fashioned out of used cumberbuns, eye shadow on one eye, bandannas on my wrists and ankles, homemade necklaces, nail polish, flip-top sunglasses in the nighttime…

To put it mildly, I was not reflective of the norms of middle-class Connecticut.

Still, I was accepted – “That’s just Cliff being Cliff” – they would say. The ultimate compliment.

In my mind, I wasn’t weird enough. Rules never made sense to me: the bells between classes, bringing your towel to Gym twice a week, assigned lunch seats, walking on the right side of the hallway.

Ah yes, order and efficiency. That’s it. That’s what the painted lines in the road are all about.

You know something? That weirdo maniac hasn’t gone anywhere.

To this day, on the way to pick up my kids, I get the urge to veer outside of the lines. Don’t you? To drive across the median, honk the horn and shout out the open windows… to be dangerously alive and to question the rules.

There’s a scream that’s in my belly that will never go away, a wolf’s howl that comes out when the lines get too straight or go on for too long.

I will always embrace the misfits and celebrate the outliers. I will always find a reason to wiggle my legs a little bit during roll call.

What can I say?

That’s just Cliff being Cliff.

Things I Haven’t Figured Out Yet

Ending the day with a clean desk

Retaining a calm mind in a noisy environment

Going away on vacation without having that insane crunch-mode period beforehand

Mixing peanut butter without spilling oil over the rim

Calling my mom frequently enough

Being content on a day I don’t write something

I’m sure there is plenty more on this list. This is my attempt at balance.

Every morning I sit down to write things I’ve learned and discovered, the lessons of life I’ve revealed from my conversations with people, from being a conscious human.

But these aren’t the things that drive me most. They’re already in the past. It’s the remaining struggles that wake me up and walk me over to the keyboard. My best posts, my most potent thoughts, by far are the ones to which I don’t know the endings.

It’s those questions that are left, the unsolved failings that poke at my guts. That’s what keeps me going.

Fortunately, there is an endless supply. 🙂

The Greatest Teacher

I’ve been trying to get my daughter to learn toeside turns on her snowboard for a while now. We’ve developed a routine: she rides on her heels all the way down the mountain, then on the chairlift back up I ask, “How about you try some toes?” to which she replies “How about I NOT try some toes.”

Suffice it to say, I’m not getting through. Perhaps I’m not the best teacher.

I picture her in a year going off with her teenage pals and all of them riding toes and heels and she’s on her heels and they keep waving her on but she can’t go fast enough and so they throw up their hands and leave her behind.

But there’s another reason I’m being so pushy, isn’t there.

I don’t want Evaline to lose her love of the mountain because then I don’t get to ride as much. Yeah, it’s totally about me, too.

So, you can imagine my fright when Evaline suggested to her buddy, who is a skier, that they switch equipment for the afternoon.

All I see is another lost afternoon of not learning snowboarding, another dozen rides further away from those beautiful synchronized S turns I see us doing in my white-capped mountain dreams.

Off she goes, strapping on skis and proceeding to slip and slide all over the place. She falls in all sorts of configurations, lands in snowbanks feet going in different directions.

But hey, she’s laughing the whole time. And so is her buddy. They actually get quite good. They’re doing blue runs by the end of the day.

It’s all they talk about on the ride home, laughing and replaying epic fails, and though I wish she was talking about how much she loves riding toeside, it’s this joy in the car and on the mountain that I’m really after, so I ask them to retell their silly tales of falling down. And they do.

Evaline bounces in her seat cackling out a story I can’t understand because she’s laughing so hard. Her friend gets it. She’s laughing just as hard, and its the laughter that does it.

It’s the laughter that reminds me of who the greatest teacher of all is.

Seeing Things Clearly

Life is full of transitions that connect the significant memories in our lives.

You can think of transitions like doors and the memories as the rooms on each side of the doors. There is a near-infinite amount of rooms but we tend to dwell on the same few, which makes this exercise easy.

Say you have a memory of being bullied.

As you look from one room to the next, you may see a little girl (you) being pushed on the shoulder by a bigger girl (the bully), who is laughing as the little girl falls over the curb (the conflict). You may visit this room often, so often that you can recite the scene as it’s happening. It becomes part of your lore, a dog-eared page with underlined passages and notes in the margin.

It is a well-used memory but, in this case, one that is not serving you.

Here is a way out: You must realize that the door to the room isn’t all the way open.

When we stand in one room and peer into the other, we assume we’re seeing everything, but, because the door is ajar, we’re really just seeing a small slice of everything.

If you were to push the door all the way open, you could take in the whole scene. You would notice the littler of the two girls balling up her fists before she cries, you would see two other girls running over with their hands out and open, the teacher forgetting her keys, or the vulgar words written all over the bully’s backpack in thick black marker.

There’s always more to the story, parts of the room that are out of view, lost details floating around our memories like guardian angels. Take comfort in knowing that they’re there, even if you can’t see them.

The Happiness Mascot

Happiness is the ultimate goal almost all the time. We work toward Happiness in our career, in our love life, in our family life. We clean up, build things, fix stuff, take on challenges, seek hobbies, go on vacation all for that feeling of Happiness. Ironically, it’s a lot of work, this so-called Pursuit of Happiness.

Because of this, it’s easy to view Happiness as a guru at the top of a mountain peak, a gift-giver to strive for, to climb toward, an enlightened guide waiting for you to arrive, finally, after all your hard work.

The thing about gurus, there’s a long wait-time to see them.

So let go of the guru and, instead, let Happiness be a funny little cartoon mascot, a silly jokester who unexpectedly pops their funny little face into the frame of the scene from off-stage to give you a smile. You never know when they’re going to show up to drop a one-liner.

After a while, you start anticipating their cameos. You become your own audience, excited for the next laugh, out of your control.

Sure, you can be happy in Hawaii with a Mai Tai, but what about when your child trips over the dog and spills her milk everywhere? What about when you’re stuck in traffic and you catch someone honking at the person in front of them? What about when you lose the remote and the whole family is butt-up looking in the cracks of things?

There’s a joke in there somewhere.

And the Happiness Mascot is the one to point it out.

The Happiness Mascot has great timing. They’re always available for an appearance. We just tend to shoo them offstage because we’re not ready, which is silly, like throwing away a package without opening it, just because we didn’t order anything.

You don’t always have to work at Happiness. As I’m sure you’ll agree, the best laughs and the broadest smiles come after unexpected punchlines while you’re waiting for something else.

Our Best Option

I love you…

Perhaps the most powerful words in the universe. Words so powerful they bring people to tears, drop the strongest of us to our knees, open minds, and end wars.

Words so powerful they’re often too hard to say and so instead are uttered through small, beautiful acts.

Words so powerful, they change relationships permanently, as if opening the eyes further, planting the feet deeper, and growing the heart. Words that wash over us like the tide of a baptism, reaching so far inside, we feel as though our soul is exposed, that our birth is on display.

I love you…

These words have saved us a million times over: an ancient remedy for the humans, a glowing ball of magic we carry in our pocket, reserved under treaty and released with grace.

Often our last resort but always our best option.

I love you.

The Gardener & The Passerby

Know this.

You’re not the only one struggling to find Happiness in your days, and getting mad at yourself because you can’t make it happen. You’re not the only one who wants to get out of your brain every once in a while, who feels trapped in a marathon of thoughts and to-dos, painfully familiar and recycled.

You’re not the only one looking for a way out, to not just see the sunlight, but to step fully into it and feel its heat all over your body.

We all have that cloud come over our lives. Some of us feel like it’s there all the time, so much so that we forget there is a blue sky behind it and not just more clouds.

Humans constantly want to improve, to develop our weakest parts, like a gardener spending most of his days on the wilted lilacs and inadvertently neglecting all of the other colors and shapes that are flourishing.

In our effort to evolve, we dwell on our faults. We begin to obsess over how we can be better. It’s a noble effort toward growth but we often get stuck down underneath the soil urging our roots to grow.

This is why it is so important to notice others, to call out the beautiful things they’ve created, the beautiful things that they already are, so that they can stop fixating on the cool damp earth on their knees and elbows and the wilted leaves in their hands, to look up for a moment and feel the sun on their face.

“Beautiful!” you’ll say, standing there on the sidewalk. And they’ll look around, hands on hips.

Here’s the best part, at least for you, and the part that’s so easily overlooked. You will see the garden. You will feel the sun.

The ‘Free Time’ Freakout

This weird phenomenon happens when I have free time. I freak out.

As a dad-entrepreneur-husband-counselor-activist-writer I’m constantly searching for that elusive free time. I wrote a frickin’ book on making more time in the day (though it was hard to find time to write it). I’m sort of obsessed with finding, making, and squeezing little droplets of juice out of time.

Then I come upon it – say, Molly decides to run to the park with the kids or one of my appointments cancels at the last minute – and it’s like coming across an unexpected clearing in the thickets. It’s exactly what I need!

But almost immediately I’m struck by the realization that I don’t know what to do with it, with this grassy expanse of free time.

There are so many options. I could run through it, lay down in, sleep in it, set up a telescope and study the stars in it, sit down and write about it, pet the animals in it, mow it, water it, use it to figure out how to make more of it…

Before long, I’m wringing my hands and circling the edge of the clearing, priorities drifting overhead like clouds as the thickets close in. It’s exhausting, walking in these circles. And what a waste of my time. My free time! I’d better think of something fast.

Fortunately, as a person obsessed with time, I’ve figured out a way to quell these freak-outs.

It is to do nothing.

It seems counter-intuitive but I just sit the fuck down. I read or breathe or meditate or just sit on the ground as if perched by the edge of that clearing in the woods, hearing the rustle of the soft, dry blades of grass coming up with a plan.

And then, after a few minutes, whether by God or Fate or the Mystery of Time, the wind brings in a message, the tickle of the grass on my palm begins to spell out a very good idea, and the clearing beckons me to the center.

Suddenly, as if the answer was always there, it’s obvious what comes next.

What Do You Get For Being Good?

What do you get from being good?

If this were an easy question to answer, I suppose there would be more good in the world.

When you work out, you get muscle.
When you eat, you get energy.
When you do art, you get what you created.

Being good, doesn’t directly correlate with anything. Yet the theme of goodness is everywhere. Every cartoon, every novel, every speech, every mission statement, every parent-teacher conference, every religious parable, every bedtime story. We’re obsessed with being good.

We hold each other to this standard.

Perhaps it’s selfish. Good people do good things to other people. Since we are those other people, we encourage people to be good in order to benefit from some of that goodness.

Perhaps it’s control. The people that make the rules – the kings, the politicians, the priests, the bosses, whoever is writing the instructions – they know that bad things detract from the plan and that when people strive to be good they are less likely to do bad things.

Perhaps it’s survival. We’re more likely to persist, expand, and propogate if we’re not dying by each other’s hands, an easy logic that’s somehow hard in practice.

Alas, the origin of goodness is unlikely to reveal itself. It’s swirled into the Great Mystery.

But its presence is undeniable. We’ve all experienced it: helping an elderly woman out of her chair, promoting our star employee, cleaning up trash along the waterway, watching video after video of military veterans returning home to their children, giving an apple to a homeless person.

For whatever reason, we can’t often see the goodness that’s out there in the world but we’re hard-wired to feel it.

Perhaps there’s our reason right there… A clear and instant reward, hidden away under flesh and bone, a warmth and light with a quantum ripple effect that rolls through your body and expands the galaxy.

As tangible as muscle tissue, cells regenerating, a masterpiece coming together out of the tip of a paintbrush. Ah, there it is.

No need to look any further.